


Unspoiled

by Cinnamongirl



Series: Motherfucking Sorcerer Continuity [6]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Identity Issues, Kissing, M/M, Names, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-04
Updated: 2014-06-04
Packaged: 2018-02-03 10:51:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1742066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cinnamongirl/pseuds/Cinnamongirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the prompt: </p><p>"Anders" is a nickname, not a name; it means he's from the Anderfels. When he was taken to the circle, nobody ever told the Templars his real name.</p><p>"Anders" thus became a shield. Everything that happened after the Templars took him, anything horrible that happened in the Circle--that happened to Anders, not him. His real name is unspoiled.</p><p>In-game, romance established. Before they go to bed together, Anders tells Hawke his real name. Because he doesn't want this to happen to Anders; he wants it to happen to <i>him</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unspoiled

Holy shit it was really happening. Anders had invited himself over to Hawke's house for sex in an egregious lapse of judgment and Hawke had actually let him inside for some reason. Almost immediately after that, he'd made a really disturbing joke about the two of them having a threesome with Justice. Anders' relationship with Justice was very complicated and neither of them fully understood it, but he was pretty sure that threesomes had to involve three separate bodies. Besides, the last time he had actually seen Justice he had looked like a rotting corpse, which was kind of a turn-off. Anders rolled his eyes and tried to remind himself that he'd somehow found someone who was okay enough with the whole _abomination_ thing to make bad jokes about it. 

They were standing face-to-face in Hawke's bedroom and the gravity of the situation suddenly hit Anders. He tried to explain to Hawke how meaningful this was to him. It was like there had always been this invisible wall of emotional boundaries that he could never cross and now all of a sudden he could do things and feel things that he'd always secretly fantasized about but had never been possible. Hawke responded positively, but it didn't seem like he really understood. Anders realized that he was kind of jealous. Hawke was a mage who went out of his way to support mage freedom whenever possible, but he still had the privilege of _not_ having to think about the Circle and how terrible and wrong it was unless he wanted to. But that was the dream that Anders had for every mage, wasn't it? 

He took a deep breath and allowed himself to think, _I love him_ even if he wasn't ready to say it out loud yet, and broke through the wall to touch Hawke's face. 

They kissed and it was really, really excellent. Hawke was a very good kisser. Anders was thinking about how nice his beard felt, when suddenly Hawke was leading him to the bed and _pulling Anders down on top of him_ and wrapping his legs around him and sweet Andraste he could feel Hawke's penis thrusting up against his body...

Anders remembered the other thing he used to guiltily fantasize about even though he never thought he would have the chance to do it. He felt stupid and incredibly awkward, but this was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and he couldn't pass it up. He pulled his face away from Hawke's. “Er, can I tell you something?”

Hawke looked worried.

“It's nothing bad, I just wanted to say it before...” he rolled off of Hawke, who sat up on the bed with a disappointed expression on his face. Anders sat up as well.

“I'm pretty sure I felt your cock so at least you aren't going to tell me you don't have one of those. Are you covered in boils, maybe? You have tentacles? Maybe you secretly have feathers growing out of your skin and that's where the ones on your coat come from?” Hawke looked at him expectantly.

“Nothing about my body,” Anders said, laughing a little. “ _Tentacles_ , Hawke? Really?”

Hawke just shrugged. “So, what is it?”

Anders took another deep breath and said it. It was strange to hear it out loud for the first time in years.

“Um, I don't think I know what that word means. Is it even in Trade?”

Anders laughed some more, probably from nerves. “That's my name.”

“Oh! Okay. I mean, I know Anders is just a nickname but Fenris and Isabela don't go by their birth names either so I didn't think it was a big deal.” Hawke was looking confused instead of disappointed now.

“You can't tell anyone, do you understand? This is very important.”

“Sure... could you maybe tell me _why_ it's important?”

“When I was first taken to the Circle, I refused to tell anybody my name so they just called me Anders and it stuck. It was... almost a way to protect myself, like a barrier.” Anders paused to focus on his breathing. He felt agitated and upset at the memories, and he tried to stay calm. “Everything that happened to me... I tried to tell myself that it was happening to Anders, who was tough and wasn't bothered by anything.” Not that it made it any less awful, unfortunately. “My name was the only thing I could hold on to that nobody else could touch. It's also made me harder to track down. Everyone's called me Anders for so long that it feels like my name. _Justice_ even calls me Anders. ”

“Okay...” Hawke nodded. “So, why are you telling me this right now?”

“When I was in the Circle, I decided that if I was ever free and if I ever met someone I... cared about, I'd tell them my name before we slept together so that it could be with the 'real' me. It was silly and romantic and I never imagined it would actually happen, but you...”

Hawke pursed his lips and spoke slowly, like he was searching for the right words. “I get that this is really meaningful to you and I don't want to dismiss that, but you're wanting me to fuck someone I've never met who is the age of a child, instead of Anders, who I'm actually in love with?”

Anders' throat suddenly felt dry. He stared at Hawke with wide eyes.

“I know you've been through stuff that nobody deserves, but it made you the person you are today, and that's who I want to be with.” Hawke lay back on the bed and examined his fingernails.

“It's not strictly accurate to think of it as another person,” Anders tried to explain. His already-fractured identity was complicated enough without adding more people. “It's more that my name is the only thing I still have that's always been mine.” There was the pillow, of course, but it had needed to be cleaned and repaired many times over the years. His name remained pure and unspoiled. He did have memories of his parents yelling it in anger, but he could look back at that time ( _when I was normal_ , he thought and then felt extremely guilty) with nostalgia now.

 

It was surreal to hear Hawke say it. Anders had to correct his pronunciation a few times, but Hawke was soon able to say his name clearly. It didn't feel wrong to be called his old name, but it didn't seem right, either. The experience brought up a lot of confusing emotions, and Anders realized that it really wasn't inaccurate to say that his name belonged to a different person from a different lifetime. At some point over the years, it had changed from a name into a symbol or metaphor for something that Anders couldn't really articulate.

He lay on his side and looked at Hawke. It felt weirdly natural to hang out in bed together and tell him secret, intimate things that nobody else knew. Speaking of which... “I'm serious about not telling anyone, Hawke. Can I trust you in this?” There were major safety considerations, as well as emotional ones.

“Of course! I promise.” Hawke smiled warmly.

Anders felt happier than he had in years, which immediately made him uneasy. _I love you so much it hurts, he thought. I wish I could give you everything you've ever wanted and everything you deserve, but we both know that I can't. I can't even say that my body is yours when it isn't entirely mine. My heart is breaking because I'll never be enough for you and it's my fault._

Anders wasn't entirely sure who or what he was. He had resolved to be the Cause of Mages (because he probably wasn't human anymore anyway), but causes don't get to kiss attractive men on impossibly soft beds. Was that what the name represented, then? A way to share a part of himself (at least whatever was left of him) with Hawke?

“Hey, Anders? Are you still with me?”

“Yes? What do you mean?”

“You seem pensive.” Hawke reached out a hand to touch Anders' face.

Anders chuckled. “I suppose I am.”

Hawke smiled at him. “It's okay. Well, a lot of things aren't okay, but I'm here for you no matter what.”

“Thanks, Hawke.”

“So... I was really enjoying the kissing and dry-humping and whatnot. Any chance we can go back to that?”

“Yes, especially the 'and whatnot',” Anders said, finally smiling. He didn't have anything specific in mind when he said that, but Hawke's breath caught in his throat and his pupils dilated. Anders moved closer, eager to find out what Hawke was thinking of.

* * *

Later that night, Hawke whispered Anders' name in his ear while Anders was inside him, and then again while Anders was falling asleep with Hawke's arms wrapped around him.


End file.
